Study Shows Divorce Rates Higher Among Couples Who Are Married

A recent study conducted by social scientists at State University of Duh found that divorce rates are higher among married couples than among their non-married counterparts. In fact, the statistics are staggering. It’s a 1:0 ratio.

The University’s Dr. Staton D’Obvious elaborates, “In our 100 test couples, there were 50 couples who were married and 50 who were not. Of the 48 couples who divorced, all of them were married. Every single one. The reasons for the divorces ranged from unacceptable B.O. to crazy in-laws to drunken regret. We even had two couples who divorced because the man from couple A was seeing the woman from couple B behind their spouses’ backs.”

So why is it that married couples are 100% more likely to divorce than non-married couples? “We simply don’t know,” Dr. D’Obvious says. “We’re about to begin phase two of our study and that will be the focus.”

One study subject, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say: “As an American citizen, I have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Well, divorcing that ol’ hag makes me feel liberated and happy. Not to mention it’ll extend my life because I won’t have her nagging at me all the time. In this country, I am free to get a divorce any ol’ time I want to. And that’s part of why I say “God bless America.”

Outside the press conference where these findings were released, a protest was held on behalf of those who hope to see same-sex marriage become a legal option. As one protestor put it, "Not only is a government that claims to be by the people and for the people denying me my right to get married, but in doing so, they are also denying me my right to get a divorce. It's a double whammy of injustice."

Though phase two of the study is just getting underway, Dr. D’Obvious can give this advice. “How can you reduce your chance of getting divorced? Don’t get married. You’ll cut your risk way down.”

And what about those who are already married? “Hmmm…” Dr. D’Obvious replies. “That’s a good question. I’ll have to get back to you on that. But my hunch is, they’ve already shot themselves in the foot…with a cannon.”

So, we’ll have to eagerly await the additional data on this subject. And of course, you’ll see it first right here in Frump Magazine.