Again, with the questions...

Q: I get overwhelming cravings for junk food. I just can’t help myself! I want cookies and brownies and chips and ice cream… Sometimes, it’s so bad that if there was a crowd of orphans and puppies between me and a piece of cake, I’d mow them all down with a military tank to get to the cake. What can I do? Signed, Edie A. Lott

A: Dang. Remind me not to let my orphans or puppies out of the house when you’re hungry. Well, what do most women’s magazines tell you? They say if you’re craving brownies, cookies or cake, that you really just want something sweet. So, you should nosh* on an apple or other fruit. And if you’re wanting Doritos, you just want something with some crunch. So, chow down on a bag of baby carrots or some celery. Ha ha ha! Are they out of their minds?

My advice? If you’re craving something, go for it. And I mean really go for it. Eat a whole pan of brownies, a whole batch of cookies, the whole cake…you get the idea. Then, once you’ve reached just beyond capacity, there will be a bulimic effect. I’ll just word it that way so the more sensitve among you won’t go “ewwww!” The science of it is that once you have a gastrointestinal backflow of something, you tend not to want it again for a long time. Heck, I avoided Taco Bell for five years because of this.

You asked; there’s my answer. Now, give it a try and see if it doesn’t work for you.

*Skinny magazine writers love the word “nosh”. I think it sounds stupid, so I’m just using it to make fun of them.


Q. Klondike bars are good, but where should I draw the line? I mean, just what SHOULD I do for one? Signed, anonymous

A. Well, I don’t blame you for not wanting to sign your name to that one. Obviously, you’re contemplating doing something questionable…and your mom might be reading this. Anyway, I’m going to be a whistle blower here and let you in on something that Mr. Klondike may not want you to know. All you really have to do for a Klondike bar is put a couple of bucks in your pocket (or heck, not even that—just take your debit card), go to the nearest Klondike bar dealer, pick up a bar, sashay yourself up to the counter and pay for it. It’s that easy.

Okay, now I’ll give you a minute to think back over the embarrassing things you’ve already done but didn’t need to do…

So why wouldn’t they want you to know that? Because Mr. Klondike is a sicko pervert. He likes seeing people do wacky, nutty, often degrading things. Don’t give him the twisted pleasure. He should just be happy with your $1.95 instead, the nasty ol’ turd.