You've got questions, do ya?

In this portion of Frump Magazine, our experts will answer questions submitted by readers. And since Frump doesn’t have any readers yet, we’ll answer questions sent in to other magazines from their readers. But we’ll give you practical answers, not the crap that the other publications say.

Q: I have unsightly hair on my upper lip. Not just peach fuzz, but dark hair. Lots of it. What’s the best way to get rid of it?
Signed, Harriett Lipman

A. First of all, did you double check to make sure you’re not actually a man? Do that first. And if you’re not, then read on.
Well, the best way would be laser hair removal. But that costs hundreds of bucks. A razor costs 50 cents if you buy a generic multipack. So, shave it off, heifer. And if you’re worried that it’s going to grow back thicker and darker…well, that’s just a myth. Even so, it sounds like you already resemble Magnum P.I. anyway, so what do you have to lose? Happy shaving!


Q. My kids, ages 9 and 11, bicker and squabble constantly. I tried the positive reinforcement approach. I told them if they’d quit arguing, I’d take them out for ice cream. They stopped briefly. But after the last crumb of waffle cone was gone, they were back at it. I’m at my wit’s end. What can I do?
Signed, Ima Wuss

A. Well, I’m going to preface this by saying that I don’t have kids, myself. So I can’t answer from the vantage point of motherly experience. But I have a mom and I have a sister. And my sister and I used to argue. So, from my experience as a kid who needed a butt whoopin’, here’s my advice: Tell the little buggers that you have the local orphanage on speed dial. And next time they start that crap, pretend to call the orphanage and ask them if they want a couple of kids. While you're making that call, you can add some "positive reinforcement" by telling the orphanage lady their qualifications, such as “great at scrubbing floors with a toothbrush”, and “knows where wire hangers belong and don’t belong.” It’ll work wonders, believe me. My sister and I never argue anymore. Now, that’s good parenting.