Frump answers your questions about what he means when he says....
Q. There’s this guy at my gym who I think is a total babe. He’s like Brad Pitt, but without all the kids and weird personality quirks. I’d been throwing out the bait for about three weeks but he just wasn’t biting. So, I asked him out and he said “Um, yeah…I’m gonna have to go with “no” on this one. I don’t find you interesting or attractive.” Could it be that he is intimidated by my boldness and because of that, he panicked and told me no? Do you think that maybe he has been hurt really bad and just has a knee-jerk reaction like that to women? What does he really mean?
A. He means he doesn’t find you interesting or attractive and doesn’t want to go out with you. Next!
Q. My husband told me last week that he is leaving me because he doesn’t love me anymore. Do you think that maybe he is just testing me to see if I will chase after him? Maybe he thinks I don’t love him anymore and he is fishing to see how I’ll react. Maybe he is hoping I’ll beg him to stay, and then we’ll run across a field in slow motion straight into each other’s arms, and spin around while a love song plays in the background and the sun glints off of my long flowing hair. Well, I’ll have to buy a wig because my hair is rather short. But still… What do you think?
A. I think he is leaving you because he doesn’t love you anymore. *sigh* Come on, people. It’s not that hard.
Q. My boyfriend of six years says he loves me but he just can’t bring himself to marry me. Do you think that deep down, he wants me to ask him? I mean, maybe he is insecure and thinks I’ll turn him down. Perhaps I should buy an engagement ring for him to give me? Do you think that would prod him along? What is he really trying to say?
A. He is saying that he doesn’t want to marry you.
Get the pattern here? Men are not women. They say what they mean, so don’t look for any hidden messages. There aren’t any.
You’re welcome.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Again, with the questions...
Q: I get overwhelming cravings for junk food. I just can’t help myself! I want cookies and brownies and chips and ice cream… Sometimes, it’s so bad that if there was a crowd of orphans and puppies between me and a piece of cake, I’d mow them all down with a military tank to get to the cake. What can I do? Signed, Edie A. Lott
A: Dang. Remind me not to let my orphans or puppies out of the house when you’re hungry. Well, what do most women’s magazines tell you? They say if you’re craving brownies, cookies or cake, that you really just want something sweet. So, you should nosh* on an apple or other fruit. And if you’re wanting Doritos, you just want something with some crunch. So, chow down on a bag of baby carrots or some celery. Ha ha ha! Are they out of their minds?
My advice? If you’re craving something, go for it. And I mean really go for it. Eat a whole pan of brownies, a whole batch of cookies, the whole cake…you get the idea. Then, once you’ve reached just beyond capacity, there will be a bulimic effect. I’ll just word it that way so the more sensitve among you won’t go “ewwww!” The science of it is that once you have a gastrointestinal backflow of something, you tend not to want it again for a long time. Heck, I avoided Taco Bell for five years because of this.
You asked; there’s my answer. Now, give it a try and see if it doesn’t work for you.
*Skinny magazine writers love the word “nosh”. I think it sounds stupid, so I’m just using it to make fun of them.
Q. Klondike bars are good, but where should I draw the line? I mean, just what SHOULD I do for one? Signed, anonymous
A. Well, I don’t blame you for not wanting to sign your name to that one. Obviously, you’re contemplating doing something questionable…and your mom might be reading this. Anyway, I’m going to be a whistle blower here and let you in on something that Mr. Klondike may not want you to know. All you really have to do for a Klondike bar is put a couple of bucks in your pocket (or heck, not even that—just take your debit card), go to the nearest Klondike bar dealer, pick up a bar, sashay yourself up to the counter and pay for it. It’s that easy.
Okay, now I’ll give you a minute to think back over the embarrassing things you’ve already done but didn’t need to do…
So why wouldn’t they want you to know that? Because Mr. Klondike is a sicko pervert. He likes seeing people do wacky, nutty, often degrading things. Don’t give him the twisted pleasure. He should just be happy with your $1.95 instead, the nasty ol’ turd.
A: Dang. Remind me not to let my orphans or puppies out of the house when you’re hungry. Well, what do most women’s magazines tell you? They say if you’re craving brownies, cookies or cake, that you really just want something sweet. So, you should nosh* on an apple or other fruit. And if you’re wanting Doritos, you just want something with some crunch. So, chow down on a bag of baby carrots or some celery. Ha ha ha! Are they out of their minds?
My advice? If you’re craving something, go for it. And I mean really go for it. Eat a whole pan of brownies, a whole batch of cookies, the whole cake…you get the idea. Then, once you’ve reached just beyond capacity, there will be a bulimic effect. I’ll just word it that way so the more sensitve among you won’t go “ewwww!” The science of it is that once you have a gastrointestinal backflow of something, you tend not to want it again for a long time. Heck, I avoided Taco Bell for five years because of this.
You asked; there’s my answer. Now, give it a try and see if it doesn’t work for you.
*Skinny magazine writers love the word “nosh”. I think it sounds stupid, so I’m just using it to make fun of them.
Q. Klondike bars are good, but where should I draw the line? I mean, just what SHOULD I do for one? Signed, anonymous
A. Well, I don’t blame you for not wanting to sign your name to that one. Obviously, you’re contemplating doing something questionable…and your mom might be reading this. Anyway, I’m going to be a whistle blower here and let you in on something that Mr. Klondike may not want you to know. All you really have to do for a Klondike bar is put a couple of bucks in your pocket (or heck, not even that—just take your debit card), go to the nearest Klondike bar dealer, pick up a bar, sashay yourself up to the counter and pay for it. It’s that easy.
Okay, now I’ll give you a minute to think back over the embarrassing things you’ve already done but didn’t need to do…
So why wouldn’t they want you to know that? Because Mr. Klondike is a sicko pervert. He likes seeing people do wacky, nutty, often degrading things. Don’t give him the twisted pleasure. He should just be happy with your $1.95 instead, the nasty ol’ turd.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Study Shows Divorce Rates Higher Among Couples Who Are Married
A recent study conducted by social scientists at State University of Duh found that divorce rates are higher among married couples than among their non-married counterparts. In fact, the statistics are staggering. It’s a 1:0 ratio.
The University’s Dr. Staton D’Obvious elaborates, “In our 100 test couples, there were 50 couples who were married and 50 who were not. Of the 48 couples who divorced, all of them were married. Every single one. The reasons for the divorces ranged from unacceptable B.O. to crazy in-laws to drunken regret. We even had two couples who divorced because the man from couple A was seeing the woman from couple B behind their spouses’ backs.”
So why is it that married couples are 100% more likely to divorce than non-married couples? “We simply don’t know,” Dr. D’Obvious says. “We’re about to begin phase two of our study and that will be the focus.”
One study subject, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say: “As an American citizen, I have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Well, divorcing that ol’ hag makes me feel liberated and happy. Not to mention it’ll extend my life because I won’t have her nagging at me all the time. In this country, I am free to get a divorce any ol’ time I want to. And that’s part of why I say “God bless America.”
Outside the press conference where these findings were released, a protest was held on behalf of those who hope to see same-sex marriage become a legal option. As one protestor put it, "Not only is a government that claims to be by the people and for the people denying me my right to get married, but in doing so, they are also denying me my right to get a divorce. It's a double whammy of injustice."
Though phase two of the study is just getting underway, Dr. D’Obvious can give this advice. “How can you reduce your chance of getting divorced? Don’t get married. You’ll cut your risk way down.”
And what about those who are already married? “Hmmm…” Dr. D’Obvious replies. “That’s a good question. I’ll have to get back to you on that. But my hunch is, they’ve already shot themselves in the foot…with a cannon.”
So, we’ll have to eagerly await the additional data on this subject. And of course, you’ll see it first right here in Frump Magazine.
The University’s Dr. Staton D’Obvious elaborates, “In our 100 test couples, there were 50 couples who were married and 50 who were not. Of the 48 couples who divorced, all of them were married. Every single one. The reasons for the divorces ranged from unacceptable B.O. to crazy in-laws to drunken regret. We even had two couples who divorced because the man from couple A was seeing the woman from couple B behind their spouses’ backs.”
So why is it that married couples are 100% more likely to divorce than non-married couples? “We simply don’t know,” Dr. D’Obvious says. “We’re about to begin phase two of our study and that will be the focus.”
One study subject, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say: “As an American citizen, I have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Well, divorcing that ol’ hag makes me feel liberated and happy. Not to mention it’ll extend my life because I won’t have her nagging at me all the time. In this country, I am free to get a divorce any ol’ time I want to. And that’s part of why I say “God bless America.”
Outside the press conference where these findings were released, a protest was held on behalf of those who hope to see same-sex marriage become a legal option. As one protestor put it, "Not only is a government that claims to be by the people and for the people denying me my right to get married, but in doing so, they are also denying me my right to get a divorce. It's a double whammy of injustice."
Though phase two of the study is just getting underway, Dr. D’Obvious can give this advice. “How can you reduce your chance of getting divorced? Don’t get married. You’ll cut your risk way down.”
And what about those who are already married? “Hmmm…” Dr. D’Obvious replies. “That’s a good question. I’ll have to get back to you on that. But my hunch is, they’ve already shot themselves in the foot…with a cannon.”
So, we’ll have to eagerly await the additional data on this subject. And of course, you’ll see it first right here in Frump Magazine.
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