In this portion of Frump Magazine, our experts will answer questions submitted by readers. And since Frump doesn’t have any readers yet, we’ll answer questions sent in to other magazines from their readers. But we’ll give you practical answers, not the crap that the other publications say.
Q: I have unsightly hair on my upper lip. Not just peach fuzz, but dark hair. Lots of it. What’s the best way to get rid of it?
Signed, Harriett Lipman
A. First of all, did you double check to make sure you’re not actually a man? Do that first. And if you’re not, then read on.
Well, the best way would be laser hair removal. But that costs hundreds of bucks. A razor costs 50 cents if you buy a generic multipack. So, shave it off, heifer. And if you’re worried that it’s going to grow back thicker and darker…well, that’s just a myth. Even so, it sounds like you already resemble Magnum P.I. anyway, so what do you have to lose? Happy shaving!
Q. My kids, ages 9 and 11, bicker and squabble constantly. I tried the positive reinforcement approach. I told them if they’d quit arguing, I’d take them out for ice cream. They stopped briefly. But after the last crumb of waffle cone was gone, they were back at it. I’m at my wit’s end. What can I do?
Signed, Ima Wuss
A. Well, I’m going to preface this by saying that I don’t have kids, myself. So I can’t answer from the vantage point of motherly experience. But I have a mom and I have a sister. And my sister and I used to argue. So, from my experience as a kid who needed a butt whoopin’, here’s my advice: Tell the little buggers that you have the local orphanage on speed dial. And next time they start that crap, pretend to call the orphanage and ask them if they want a couple of kids. While you're making that call, you can add some "positive reinforcement" by telling the orphanage lady their qualifications, such as “great at scrubbing floors with a toothbrush”, and “knows where wire hangers belong and don’t belong.” It’ll work wonders, believe me. My sister and I never argue anymore. Now, that’s good parenting.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Fat Is the New Thin
It's fashion week, and in places like Paris* and Milan**, you can hear the applause thundering right along with the thighs, as models take to the runways wearing the latest trends by designers who are going where only Lane Bryant has dared to go before. Wow, that was a long sentence. Anyway, welcome to the world of reality, where women wear clothing of a double digit size.
Teetering on six inch heels, model Michelle Davis is openly giddy as she prepares to model a green stretch pantsuit—in a size 20. “It’s about time someone put those skinny little heifers in their place,” she squeals. “I refuse to give up my double stuff Oreos for the sake of fashion.”
The designers and the audience all seem to feel the same way. Today’s fashion show is taking place outside of Wal Mart in Opelika, Alabama, and you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who is smaller than a size 12 (which, by the way, many consider to be “plus size”—wtb? I’d love to fit into a 12). Instead, you see a vast sea of plushness and smiling faces. But, you won't see a single animal print (thus, dispelling the common fashion myth that big girls like to draw attention to themselves by wearing tents that look like they’re made of animal skins).
Backstage, model Amy Parker shoves KFC and Little Debbie fudge rounds into her mouth as a stylist teases and sprays her hair. “I’ve got to fill this shirt out! I wear a size 24, but they brought me a 28 by mistake. I can’t go out there in baggy clothes.” I don’t know about you, but this reporter finds it refreshing to be at a fashion show where craft services wheels out doughnuts and Doritos, instead of celery and rice cakes. Of course, you’ll still find Diet Coke as a main staple of the models’ menu. I mean, come on. Let’s be realistic here.
It’s interesting to note that all of the models and designers are American. This is a country known for its plumpness, after all. “It’s not that we wouldn’t hire a model from Germany or Russia,” says designer Bubba Lloyd. “It’s just that them girls are all so skinny. We actually had an incident where this one model tried to sneak in in a padded suit—you know, like the one Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House. But when she didn’t have any jiggle, it tipped us off. Turns out, she was a size 2. I kinda felt sorry for the girl. She needed the work. But we have our standards around here.”
Lloyd, a top designer in this emerging fashion genre, explains why he chose to go into this line of business. “Well, let me start off by saying I am heterosexual male. That right there—me being a minority in this field—puts me in the spotlight anyway. But I think I can speak for most men when I say I like my women with a little bit of cushion. I don’t want no shoulder bones poking me in my temple when I lean my head over to doze off during some chick flick that my girlfriend picked up from Red Box. And since I like big butts and I cannot lie, I think they need some clothes that show off hot hot they are.” Well, said Bubba. Well said.
As I make my way from the fashion show to meet a dinner date at Outback, I hear the sounds of Moto Moto’s “Big & Chunky” playing amid cheers and shouts of “you go girl.” It’s an idea whose time has come: the notion that most women are, more often that not, not skinny. So have another piece of cake, ladies! And don’t go out jogging afterwards.
*Paris, Arkansas **Milan, Georgia
Teetering on six inch heels, model Michelle Davis is openly giddy as she prepares to model a green stretch pantsuit—in a size 20. “It’s about time someone put those skinny little heifers in their place,” she squeals. “I refuse to give up my double stuff Oreos for the sake of fashion.”
The designers and the audience all seem to feel the same way. Today’s fashion show is taking place outside of Wal Mart in Opelika, Alabama, and you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who is smaller than a size 12 (which, by the way, many consider to be “plus size”—wtb? I’d love to fit into a 12). Instead, you see a vast sea of plushness and smiling faces. But, you won't see a single animal print (thus, dispelling the common fashion myth that big girls like to draw attention to themselves by wearing tents that look like they’re made of animal skins).
Backstage, model Amy Parker shoves KFC and Little Debbie fudge rounds into her mouth as a stylist teases and sprays her hair. “I’ve got to fill this shirt out! I wear a size 24, but they brought me a 28 by mistake. I can’t go out there in baggy clothes.” I don’t know about you, but this reporter finds it refreshing to be at a fashion show where craft services wheels out doughnuts and Doritos, instead of celery and rice cakes. Of course, you’ll still find Diet Coke as a main staple of the models’ menu. I mean, come on. Let’s be realistic here.
It’s interesting to note that all of the models and designers are American. This is a country known for its plumpness, after all. “It’s not that we wouldn’t hire a model from Germany or Russia,” says designer Bubba Lloyd. “It’s just that them girls are all so skinny. We actually had an incident where this one model tried to sneak in in a padded suit—you know, like the one Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House. But when she didn’t have any jiggle, it tipped us off. Turns out, she was a size 2. I kinda felt sorry for the girl. She needed the work. But we have our standards around here.”
Lloyd, a top designer in this emerging fashion genre, explains why he chose to go into this line of business. “Well, let me start off by saying I am heterosexual male. That right there—me being a minority in this field—puts me in the spotlight anyway. But I think I can speak for most men when I say I like my women with a little bit of cushion. I don’t want no shoulder bones poking me in my temple when I lean my head over to doze off during some chick flick that my girlfriend picked up from Red Box. And since I like big butts and I cannot lie, I think they need some clothes that show off hot hot they are.” Well, said Bubba. Well said.
As I make my way from the fashion show to meet a dinner date at Outback, I hear the sounds of Moto Moto’s “Big & Chunky” playing amid cheers and shouts of “you go girl.” It’s an idea whose time has come: the notion that most women are, more often that not, not skinny. So have another piece of cake, ladies! And don’t go out jogging afterwards.
*Paris, Arkansas **Milan, Georgia
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Welcome...
Welcome to Frump Magazine, a parody/satire of women's magazines. I won't name any names, but you know the ones I'm talking about. The magazines we see at the Wal Mart checkout. The ones that portray women who are in shape, perpetually happy and have all their *bleep* together...and who make us feel inadequate for not having our *bleep* together, too.
It's okay. You're not perfect. And you're not airbrushed. I'm certainly not, anyway (though I am not opposed to being photoshopped to get rid of my arm flab and extra chin). This blog won't tell you how to be perfect. Heck, it probably won't give you any useful advice at all. But hopefully, it will further expose the asinininity of the junk that "they" are telling us; and maybe you'll get a laugh, too. Maybe not. Maybe you'll feel like telling me to get professional help or something. Well, blogging is much cheaper. And reading my blog is much cheaper than buying a magazine. Unless you feel like sending me some money.
As stuff rattles out of my brain, I will post. So check back...
It's okay. You're not perfect. And you're not airbrushed. I'm certainly not, anyway (though I am not opposed to being photoshopped to get rid of my arm flab and extra chin). This blog won't tell you how to be perfect. Heck, it probably won't give you any useful advice at all. But hopefully, it will further expose the asinininity of the junk that "they" are telling us; and maybe you'll get a laugh, too. Maybe not. Maybe you'll feel like telling me to get professional help or something. Well, blogging is much cheaper. And reading my blog is much cheaper than buying a magazine. Unless you feel like sending me some money.
As stuff rattles out of my brain, I will post. So check back...
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