Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Sports Depicted Bathing Suit Cover Model Exposed--Literally and Figuratively
Up and coming jock lit magazine, Sports Depicted, will soon be hitting the racks (magazine racks, that is) with their first ever bathing suit issue--because normal women everywhere need something else to make their self esteem plummet to the depths of the deepest places self esteem can plummet to. SD editors have announced that model, S'Kim P. Dresser will be on the cover. Frump Magazine interviewed S'Kim about this self-proclaimed greatest achievement of her life.
"This is the greatest achievement of my life," says the 19 year old, who has so much life experience to pull from that she can make this claim with absolute certainty. "I think this is a big step for women everywhere."
Huh?
"I'm using this as a platform to spread world peace and tell people about global warming. See, I'm standing in a swimming pool because it's hot. Well, it was actually about 40 degrees, but it looks like it was hot there. When the globe gets hot, bad things happen. And that's why we don't have any peace. People are too hot to feel peaceful."
When asked how she feels about the picture SD chose, Kim says she thinks they made a good call. "It really shows off my intelligence. You can just tell I have all kinds of important things going on in my head."
On the cover, the blonde haired, blue eyed S'Kim flashes a freshly veneered smile, her long, gangly arms strategically placed to cover up anything that would make the publishers have to spend extra money on brown paper wrapping. But can we really call this a bathing suit issue, per se? I mean, the top is tied around her head like a headband, and the bottom is floating at the bottom of the pool. But hey, Frump isn't a sport's magazine, so what do we know?
We asked S'Kim what message she thinks the bathing suit issue is sending to normal women who aren't in as good a shape as the models, or who lack the funds to have themselves surgically enhanced.
"I think it sends a good message to women. It says that all women should feel good about their bodies. I mean, any woman--even some of the ones that you see on peopleofwalmart.com--should celebrate their curves and blobs. Everyone is beautiful."
Frump: So you mean Susan Boyle could have just as easily been the cover model?
S'Kim: Mmm-hhmm.
Well, that's probably SD's choice for next year's cover. We thanked S'Kim for her comments and shut off the tape recorder...
...or did we?
Frump: S'Kim, come on...let's have some honest answers here.
S'Kim: What do you mean? I was completely honest.
Frump: Don't lie.
S'Kim: I'm not lying.
Frump: Grrr...
S'Kim: Okay, okay. This is just between us, right?
Frump: Uh, yeah...this is just between you and Frump*
S'Kim: Okay, really, I just like the fact that I'm hot and my boyfriend is so proud of me for being on the cover.
Frump: And what about the message to women out there--that they should be proud of their bodies?
S'Kim: (laughs) Well, that's a load of BS. I mean, I would not want to be as fat as Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce. I'd have to pray that I'd come down with anorexia or bularmia.
Frump: You mean bulimia?
S'Kim: I've never been there. Is that in Europe?
Frump: *headdesk*
S'Kim: Anyway, at least I give their boyfriends and husbands something good to look at, instead of their fat old girlfriends and wives. That's my humanitarian work, right there.
Well, there you have it. Of course, if any men happen to read this, they really won't care. But at least we girls know that someday, people like S'Kim will get a wrinkle or two and put on some weight. And they'll be devastated. Meanwhile, the frumpier among us are already accustomed to not looking like models, so an extra wrinkle or two won't bring our little worlds crashing down around us. There's something to be said for that.
*By "between you and Frump" we mean "the readers of Frump Magazine."
"This is the greatest achievement of my life," says the 19 year old, who has so much life experience to pull from that she can make this claim with absolute certainty. "I think this is a big step for women everywhere."
Huh?
"I'm using this as a platform to spread world peace and tell people about global warming. See, I'm standing in a swimming pool because it's hot. Well, it was actually about 40 degrees, but it looks like it was hot there. When the globe gets hot, bad things happen. And that's why we don't have any peace. People are too hot to feel peaceful."
When asked how she feels about the picture SD chose, Kim says she thinks they made a good call. "It really shows off my intelligence. You can just tell I have all kinds of important things going on in my head."
On the cover, the blonde haired, blue eyed S'Kim flashes a freshly veneered smile, her long, gangly arms strategically placed to cover up anything that would make the publishers have to spend extra money on brown paper wrapping. But can we really call this a bathing suit issue, per se? I mean, the top is tied around her head like a headband, and the bottom is floating at the bottom of the pool. But hey, Frump isn't a sport's magazine, so what do we know?
We asked S'Kim what message she thinks the bathing suit issue is sending to normal women who aren't in as good a shape as the models, or who lack the funds to have themselves surgically enhanced.
"I think it sends a good message to women. It says that all women should feel good about their bodies. I mean, any woman--even some of the ones that you see on peopleofwalmart.com--should celebrate their curves and blobs. Everyone is beautiful."
Frump: So you mean Susan Boyle could have just as easily been the cover model?
S'Kim: Mmm-hhmm.
Well, that's probably SD's choice for next year's cover. We thanked S'Kim for her comments and shut off the tape recorder...
...or did we?
Frump: S'Kim, come on...let's have some honest answers here.
S'Kim: What do you mean? I was completely honest.
Frump: Don't lie.
S'Kim: I'm not lying.
Frump: Grrr...
S'Kim: Okay, okay. This is just between us, right?
Frump: Uh, yeah...this is just between you and Frump*
S'Kim: Okay, really, I just like the fact that I'm hot and my boyfriend is so proud of me for being on the cover.
Frump: And what about the message to women out there--that they should be proud of their bodies?
S'Kim: (laughs) Well, that's a load of BS. I mean, I would not want to be as fat as Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce. I'd have to pray that I'd come down with anorexia or bularmia.
Frump: You mean bulimia?
S'Kim: I've never been there. Is that in Europe?
Frump: *headdesk*
S'Kim: Anyway, at least I give their boyfriends and husbands something good to look at, instead of their fat old girlfriends and wives. That's my humanitarian work, right there.
Well, there you have it. Of course, if any men happen to read this, they really won't care. But at least we girls know that someday, people like S'Kim will get a wrinkle or two and put on some weight. And they'll be devastated. Meanwhile, the frumpier among us are already accustomed to not looking like models, so an extra wrinkle or two won't bring our little worlds crashing down around us. There's something to be said for that.
*By "between you and Frump" we mean "the readers of Frump Magazine."
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
What's up doc? Not your child's pants, that's for sure.
It’s 3:05 at McAllister Elementary School, and ten year old Brice Adams sits in a hallway waiting for Mr. Puckett to arrive. Mr. Puckett is the teacher who is overseeing detention this particular afternoon. As Brice fidgets in his chair, he sighs loudly and says “This is stupid. I don’t see why I have to be here.”
By all accounts, Brice Adams seems to be a normal kid. Shaggy brown hair, freckles, member of the softball team, into computer games. But it only takes a quick glance to see why Brice has been given detention: he is not wearing pants.
Brice Adams is just one of hundreds of thousands of kids who are part of a a growing and very troubling trend. In fact, it is estimated that one in ten kids regularly leaves home sans pants on any given day.
“It’s just shocking!” Mildred Adams, Brice’s grandmother, says. “I know my daughter raised him with more sense than this. He can’t be going outside without no britches on. What if some pervert sees him? What if he catches cold?”
Mrs. Adams echoes the questions of frustrated adults nationwide. But the big question for many is, why is this happening?
To get answers, we consulted two experts: child psychologist, Dr. Barney Douchester, and Diggum University Professor of Pop Culture Studies, Irma Windham.
“What we’re seeing is the result of exposure to old cartoons, primarily the ones made by Warner Brothers,” explains Douchester. “If you look at any cartoon with, say, Porky Pig for example, you see a character who wears a shirt or jacket, even a hat sometimes, but no pants, no clothing on the bottom half whatsoever.”
Many media outlets are banning any cartoons made prior to 1997 in an effort to reduce exposure to pants-free characters. McAllister Cable Net has even gone as far as to block all programming in which a cartoon animal is in any state of undress. This includes Bugs Bunny and Sylvester, who appear completely nude. Instead, they run advertisements for pants during times when such cartoons would have been aired.
But wait a minute: hasn’t the issue with these old cartoons always been the fact that they portray violence? The vicious and crafty Wile E. Coyote is repeatedly bludgeoned by oncoming trains, crushed by anvils and obliterated by dynamite. Elmer Fudd is constantly attempting to shoot Bugs Bunny and then feast on his entrails. Sylvester narrowly escapes being mauled by a bulldog. Various characters are flattened, dismembered and burned alive. So why, instead, are children getting up from the TV and walking away without their pants?
Professor Irma Windham explains. “In the past, violence was the issue with these programs. That was before the days of computer games and modern cartoons. Today, children have the luxury of being exposed to violence that is more realistic in nature. I mean, come on. If a child can play a video game that lets them shoot someone and see actual blood spatter, why would they want to go out and drop an anvil off a cliff onto a coyote?”
Dr. Douchester goes on to elaborate. “Children’s minds are like sponges. They learn lessons about how to conduct themselves from what they see, what they take in. And since they no longer need to take away the violence aspect of these cartoons, they take away the fashion aspect.”
But not everyone thinks it’s a problem. “Uh bedee uh bedee, uh bedee, it’s hogwash!” says cartoon enthusiast, Keller Martin. “Porky Pig’s bare butt doesn’t have anything more to do with some kid’s bare butt than Yoda has to do with my cousin liking short, old men with hairy ears. It’s all just coincidence. If some kid goes out with no pants on, I blame the parents. They ought to be standing there by the door with a pair of pants in hand, making sure little Johnny puts them on before he steps outside.”
And even more disturbing to some is that the children fail to see why this lack of pantage is a problem. “It’s not like I’m out underage drinking and stuff,” says 13 year old Anna Parker. “This is just my way of expressing myself.” When asked if she is a fan of old cartoons, Anna replied “Heck yeah.”
The debate continues, and it seems there is no end in sight…except for the hind ends of children across America who have chosen to fall under the influence of these cartoons. It seems the outcome is in the hands of parents: you choose to allow cartoons with pantsless characters, or not.
By all accounts, Brice Adams seems to be a normal kid. Shaggy brown hair, freckles, member of the softball team, into computer games. But it only takes a quick glance to see why Brice has been given detention: he is not wearing pants.
Brice Adams is just one of hundreds of thousands of kids who are part of a a growing and very troubling trend. In fact, it is estimated that one in ten kids regularly leaves home sans pants on any given day.
“It’s just shocking!” Mildred Adams, Brice’s grandmother, says. “I know my daughter raised him with more sense than this. He can’t be going outside without no britches on. What if some pervert sees him? What if he catches cold?”
Mrs. Adams echoes the questions of frustrated adults nationwide. But the big question for many is, why is this happening?
To get answers, we consulted two experts: child psychologist, Dr. Barney Douchester, and Diggum University Professor of Pop Culture Studies, Irma Windham.
“What we’re seeing is the result of exposure to old cartoons, primarily the ones made by Warner Brothers,” explains Douchester. “If you look at any cartoon with, say, Porky Pig for example, you see a character who wears a shirt or jacket, even a hat sometimes, but no pants, no clothing on the bottom half whatsoever.”
Many media outlets are banning any cartoons made prior to 1997 in an effort to reduce exposure to pants-free characters. McAllister Cable Net has even gone as far as to block all programming in which a cartoon animal is in any state of undress. This includes Bugs Bunny and Sylvester, who appear completely nude. Instead, they run advertisements for pants during times when such cartoons would have been aired.
But wait a minute: hasn’t the issue with these old cartoons always been the fact that they portray violence? The vicious and crafty Wile E. Coyote is repeatedly bludgeoned by oncoming trains, crushed by anvils and obliterated by dynamite. Elmer Fudd is constantly attempting to shoot Bugs Bunny and then feast on his entrails. Sylvester narrowly escapes being mauled by a bulldog. Various characters are flattened, dismembered and burned alive. So why, instead, are children getting up from the TV and walking away without their pants?
Professor Irma Windham explains. “In the past, violence was the issue with these programs. That was before the days of computer games and modern cartoons. Today, children have the luxury of being exposed to violence that is more realistic in nature. I mean, come on. If a child can play a video game that lets them shoot someone and see actual blood spatter, why would they want to go out and drop an anvil off a cliff onto a coyote?”
Dr. Douchester goes on to elaborate. “Children’s minds are like sponges. They learn lessons about how to conduct themselves from what they see, what they take in. And since they no longer need to take away the violence aspect of these cartoons, they take away the fashion aspect.”
But not everyone thinks it’s a problem. “Uh bedee uh bedee, uh bedee, it’s hogwash!” says cartoon enthusiast, Keller Martin. “Porky Pig’s bare butt doesn’t have anything more to do with some kid’s bare butt than Yoda has to do with my cousin liking short, old men with hairy ears. It’s all just coincidence. If some kid goes out with no pants on, I blame the parents. They ought to be standing there by the door with a pair of pants in hand, making sure little Johnny puts them on before he steps outside.”
And even more disturbing to some is that the children fail to see why this lack of pantage is a problem. “It’s not like I’m out underage drinking and stuff,” says 13 year old Anna Parker. “This is just my way of expressing myself.” When asked if she is a fan of old cartoons, Anna replied “Heck yeah.”
The debate continues, and it seems there is no end in sight…except for the hind ends of children across America who have chosen to fall under the influence of these cartoons. It seems the outcome is in the hands of parents: you choose to allow cartoons with pantsless characters, or not.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Santa Is Not the Messiah
Earlier today, I was eating an Andes mint and realized that the taste made me think of Christmas. If I were to have an Andes mint in July, I would end up with that Christmasy feeling, no doubt about it. And it struck me as a little odd. I mean sure, tastes and smells can bring back memories. But the whole thing brought to mind the big to-do about people referring to "the holidays" rather than calling it Christmas. For the past few years, people have been bucking the political correctness system that has taken Christ out of Christmas. There have been protests and boycotts. Feathers have been ruffled. Undies have been in a bundle. But how the heck is an Andes mint connected with the birth of Jesus?
It isn't. In fact, most of what we associate with Christmas has very little to do with Jesus. Sure, there are programs at churches and all. And there are the "twice a year people" (the ones who show up to church on Christmas and Easter) who go so they can feel like they're keeping it real. But once the program is over, they go on their merry way, off to shop for gifts or attend parties. Hey, just throw a manger scene on top of the gift pile to make it look like it all means something. I remember being at a friend's family gathering once and the matriarch had the grandchildren read the Christmas story from the Bible, admonishing them to "remember that Christmas is about Jesus." And then they commenced to ripping open a mountain of gifts, leaving a frenzied pile of wrapping paper and ribbon in their wake.
Hey, I'm as guilty as the next person. I'm not going to lie. But if we're going to make Christmas about gifts and parties and such, perhaps we SHOULD just call it "the holidays." If you think about it, it's ironic that people will threaten to boycott a store because the employees aren't allowed to wish them a merry Christmas while they're in there taking part in the very commercialization that takes Jesus out of the equation anyway.
Maybe we should just have a separate holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus. He deserves to have his own special day and not just be a supporting cast member to Santa's leading role. I know, some people will gripe that that's "letting them win." But at the end of the day on December 25th, the baby Jesus in the Nativity is usually buried beneath a pile of wrapping paper. And that's not exactly keeping Christ in Christmas.
It isn't. In fact, most of what we associate with Christmas has very little to do with Jesus. Sure, there are programs at churches and all. And there are the "twice a year people" (the ones who show up to church on Christmas and Easter) who go so they can feel like they're keeping it real. But once the program is over, they go on their merry way, off to shop for gifts or attend parties. Hey, just throw a manger scene on top of the gift pile to make it look like it all means something. I remember being at a friend's family gathering once and the matriarch had the grandchildren read the Christmas story from the Bible, admonishing them to "remember that Christmas is about Jesus." And then they commenced to ripping open a mountain of gifts, leaving a frenzied pile of wrapping paper and ribbon in their wake.
Hey, I'm as guilty as the next person. I'm not going to lie. But if we're going to make Christmas about gifts and parties and such, perhaps we SHOULD just call it "the holidays." If you think about it, it's ironic that people will threaten to boycott a store because the employees aren't allowed to wish them a merry Christmas while they're in there taking part in the very commercialization that takes Jesus out of the equation anyway.
Maybe we should just have a separate holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus. He deserves to have his own special day and not just be a supporting cast member to Santa's leading role. I know, some people will gripe that that's "letting them win." But at the end of the day on December 25th, the baby Jesus in the Nativity is usually buried beneath a pile of wrapping paper. And that's not exactly keeping Christ in Christmas.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Highly Commercialized Holiday
It's getting to be that time of year again: the time when you wrack your brain trying to come up with gift ideas for people you may not even really like that much. Or you’re shopping for someone you don’t pay much attention to during the year, but you’re obligated to give them a gift so they won’t write you out of the will or something. Or maybe you’re nuts about everyone on your gift list, but unless they're under the age of twelve, you have no idea what to get them. You get the gist of what I'm saying here. It's especially hard to shop for adults because most of them, if they really want or need something, can just buy it for themselves. I mean, why not just exchange $20 bills with each other and call it even? Because it's Christmas, that's why. The season of giving. Oh yeah, and that Jesus fella. We have to at least mention Him, right? He has something or other to do with Christmas.
So anyway, to get to the point of this: I am going to offer some gift advice that you may find useful for your holiday shopping. Or, you may not. We'll see. Let's get started, shall we?
1. Sham Wow: Anyone who owns a TV has seen that lizardy looking dude talking about the Sham Wow. He tells us we'll be wowed by it; and he admonishes us to beware of Sham Wow imitators. Indeed. Then, he soaks up a spill the size of the Exxon Valdez oil slick, and wrings it out into a shot glass. Fortunately, for those who just can't wait for the Sham Wow amazingness to arrive via snail mail, they can now be found in select stores (meaning most any store that sells stuff). Personally, I'm less than wowed. I tried one a while back and it was just a small piece of feltlike cloth that seemed like it really didn't WANT to soak up anything. It just sort of lazily moved the liquid around on the counter. I guess you could use it to corral a spill into a bowl, so it’s useful for something. I wouldn't really say I recommend the Sham Wow. But if you just can't resist the Sham Wow guy and you want to make sure his kids can afford to go to college, then maybe you should buy some.
2. scented candles: I love scented candles. So if you were to buy me one, I'd appreciate it. Well, if it's a good quality one--not one from the dollar store. I mean a Yankee Candle or something like that. But if the person you're shopping for doesn't like scented candles and you give them one, you're telling them one of two things: 1. My neighbor's kid was selling scented candles as a fundraiser for school and he guilted me into buying 10 of them, and I had to take out a second mortgage on my house to afford them. Here, take one off my hands. OR 2. Last time I was at your house, I noticed a pungent aroma akin to mothballs and Vienna sausages. Light this to cover it up.
3. gift cards/gift certificates: This is the ultimate cop-out gift. I've resorted to them, myself, I must admit. It is kind of nice to get one because it forces you to spend “money” somewhere you may not spend it otherwise. But then, you probably end up actually spending real money because the gift card doesn't cover the total cost of what you want. If you're thinking of buying a gift card for someone, and you don't want to come off looking cheap, you have to spring for the big dollar value. Less than $20 and you look like a cheapskate. And if you've got five people to buy for, you're laying down $100, minimum. Who has that kind of cash? You'd do better to buy them something you can afford--like the new issue of TV Guide or a 12 pack of toilet paper.
4. neti-pot: This has nothing to do with the Sasquatch of the North Pole (it's neti pot, not Yeti pot), though he may use one. I'm sure he gets a lot of nasal buildup, what with being in that cold climate and all. And to state the obvious, it has nothing to do with “weed” either--because if it did, you wouldn't be able to buy one at Walgreens. If someone on your shopping list has a problem with nasal crud (whether they know it, or you've just noticed it peeking out at you), this would be a thoughtful gift. “Why not just give them a box of Kleenex?” you ask? Because the neti pot goes where no tissue can--unless you roll the tissue up really small and can manage to snake it through your sinuses. If you can, then you've got a great party gag on your hands. I've never used a neti pot, myself. But hey, to each his own. Here's a video demonstration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IdrivgH1rM&feature=fvw From this video, we learn that neti potting apparently won't harm your nose ring. Plus, it works best if you make weird faces while using it.
5. A star: I'm talking about one of those things up in the sky, not Elizabeth Taylor or Cary Grant. Yeah, you can “buy” someone a star. As if. According to one website I found, if you fork out a mere $54, you'll get a full color parchment certificate that tells you not only the name of the star, but its coordinates, as well…you know, in case you ever want to stop by and visit it when you're in the neighborhood. And if you're seriously gullible AND rich, you can pay $489 for a certificate that is “heirloom framed.” Whatever that means. Then, you can send your star letters and care packages, maybe buy a goat for its village or some school supplies. Personally, I think you'd just be throwing your money away. And if you want to do that, then throw some my way and I'll point out a star to you that you can tell your mom you bought for her. Whoever came up with this idea is a genius. I'm going to come up with a scheme in which you can buy a molecule of air for someone and name it.
Well, there you have it--my two cents worth (which won't buy much-heck, it won't buy anything). If you're shopping for a gift for me, skip the star and just give me $54. I probably won't use a neti pot either (except perhaps to make tea in). I'll take gift cards and candles. But if you give me Sham Wows, I'll probably just regift them to the next friend I have who is getting married or having a baby.
Happy shopping.
So anyway, to get to the point of this: I am going to offer some gift advice that you may find useful for your holiday shopping. Or, you may not. We'll see. Let's get started, shall we?
1. Sham Wow: Anyone who owns a TV has seen that lizardy looking dude talking about the Sham Wow. He tells us we'll be wowed by it; and he admonishes us to beware of Sham Wow imitators. Indeed. Then, he soaks up a spill the size of the Exxon Valdez oil slick, and wrings it out into a shot glass. Fortunately, for those who just can't wait for the Sham Wow amazingness to arrive via snail mail, they can now be found in select stores (meaning most any store that sells stuff). Personally, I'm less than wowed. I tried one a while back and it was just a small piece of feltlike cloth that seemed like it really didn't WANT to soak up anything. It just sort of lazily moved the liquid around on the counter. I guess you could use it to corral a spill into a bowl, so it’s useful for something. I wouldn't really say I recommend the Sham Wow. But if you just can't resist the Sham Wow guy and you want to make sure his kids can afford to go to college, then maybe you should buy some.
2. scented candles: I love scented candles. So if you were to buy me one, I'd appreciate it. Well, if it's a good quality one--not one from the dollar store. I mean a Yankee Candle or something like that. But if the person you're shopping for doesn't like scented candles and you give them one, you're telling them one of two things: 1. My neighbor's kid was selling scented candles as a fundraiser for school and he guilted me into buying 10 of them, and I had to take out a second mortgage on my house to afford them. Here, take one off my hands. OR 2. Last time I was at your house, I noticed a pungent aroma akin to mothballs and Vienna sausages. Light this to cover it up.
3. gift cards/gift certificates: This is the ultimate cop-out gift. I've resorted to them, myself, I must admit. It is kind of nice to get one because it forces you to spend “money” somewhere you may not spend it otherwise. But then, you probably end up actually spending real money because the gift card doesn't cover the total cost of what you want. If you're thinking of buying a gift card for someone, and you don't want to come off looking cheap, you have to spring for the big dollar value. Less than $20 and you look like a cheapskate. And if you've got five people to buy for, you're laying down $100, minimum. Who has that kind of cash? You'd do better to buy them something you can afford--like the new issue of TV Guide or a 12 pack of toilet paper.
4. neti-pot: This has nothing to do with the Sasquatch of the North Pole (it's neti pot, not Yeti pot), though he may use one. I'm sure he gets a lot of nasal buildup, what with being in that cold climate and all. And to state the obvious, it has nothing to do with “weed” either--because if it did, you wouldn't be able to buy one at Walgreens. If someone on your shopping list has a problem with nasal crud (whether they know it, or you've just noticed it peeking out at you), this would be a thoughtful gift. “Why not just give them a box of Kleenex?” you ask? Because the neti pot goes where no tissue can--unless you roll the tissue up really small and can manage to snake it through your sinuses. If you can, then you've got a great party gag on your hands. I've never used a neti pot, myself. But hey, to each his own. Here's a video demonstration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IdrivgH1rM&feature=fvw From this video, we learn that neti potting apparently won't harm your nose ring. Plus, it works best if you make weird faces while using it.
5. A star: I'm talking about one of those things up in the sky, not Elizabeth Taylor or Cary Grant. Yeah, you can “buy” someone a star. As if. According to one website I found, if you fork out a mere $54, you'll get a full color parchment certificate that tells you not only the name of the star, but its coordinates, as well…you know, in case you ever want to stop by and visit it when you're in the neighborhood. And if you're seriously gullible AND rich, you can pay $489 for a certificate that is “heirloom framed.” Whatever that means. Then, you can send your star letters and care packages, maybe buy a goat for its village or some school supplies. Personally, I think you'd just be throwing your money away. And if you want to do that, then throw some my way and I'll point out a star to you that you can tell your mom you bought for her. Whoever came up with this idea is a genius. I'm going to come up with a scheme in which you can buy a molecule of air for someone and name it.
Well, there you have it--my two cents worth (which won't buy much-heck, it won't buy anything). If you're shopping for a gift for me, skip the star and just give me $54. I probably won't use a neti pot either (except perhaps to make tea in). I'll take gift cards and candles. But if you give me Sham Wows, I'll probably just regift them to the next friend I have who is getting married or having a baby.
Happy shopping.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
But what does he REALLY mean?
Frump answers your questions about what he means when he says....
Q. There’s this guy at my gym who I think is a total babe. He’s like Brad Pitt, but without all the kids and weird personality quirks. I’d been throwing out the bait for about three weeks but he just wasn’t biting. So, I asked him out and he said “Um, yeah…I’m gonna have to go with “no” on this one. I don’t find you interesting or attractive.” Could it be that he is intimidated by my boldness and because of that, he panicked and told me no? Do you think that maybe he has been hurt really bad and just has a knee-jerk reaction like that to women? What does he really mean?
A. He means he doesn’t find you interesting or attractive and doesn’t want to go out with you. Next!
Q. My husband told me last week that he is leaving me because he doesn’t love me anymore. Do you think that maybe he is just testing me to see if I will chase after him? Maybe he thinks I don’t love him anymore and he is fishing to see how I’ll react. Maybe he is hoping I’ll beg him to stay, and then we’ll run across a field in slow motion straight into each other’s arms, and spin around while a love song plays in the background and the sun glints off of my long flowing hair. Well, I’ll have to buy a wig because my hair is rather short. But still… What do you think?
A. I think he is leaving you because he doesn’t love you anymore. *sigh* Come on, people. It’s not that hard.
Q. My boyfriend of six years says he loves me but he just can’t bring himself to marry me. Do you think that deep down, he wants me to ask him? I mean, maybe he is insecure and thinks I’ll turn him down. Perhaps I should buy an engagement ring for him to give me? Do you think that would prod him along? What is he really trying to say?
A. He is saying that he doesn’t want to marry you.
Get the pattern here? Men are not women. They say what they mean, so don’t look for any hidden messages. There aren’t any.
You’re welcome.
Q. There’s this guy at my gym who I think is a total babe. He’s like Brad Pitt, but without all the kids and weird personality quirks. I’d been throwing out the bait for about three weeks but he just wasn’t biting. So, I asked him out and he said “Um, yeah…I’m gonna have to go with “no” on this one. I don’t find you interesting or attractive.” Could it be that he is intimidated by my boldness and because of that, he panicked and told me no? Do you think that maybe he has been hurt really bad and just has a knee-jerk reaction like that to women? What does he really mean?
A. He means he doesn’t find you interesting or attractive and doesn’t want to go out with you. Next!
Q. My husband told me last week that he is leaving me because he doesn’t love me anymore. Do you think that maybe he is just testing me to see if I will chase after him? Maybe he thinks I don’t love him anymore and he is fishing to see how I’ll react. Maybe he is hoping I’ll beg him to stay, and then we’ll run across a field in slow motion straight into each other’s arms, and spin around while a love song plays in the background and the sun glints off of my long flowing hair. Well, I’ll have to buy a wig because my hair is rather short. But still… What do you think?
A. I think he is leaving you because he doesn’t love you anymore. *sigh* Come on, people. It’s not that hard.
Q. My boyfriend of six years says he loves me but he just can’t bring himself to marry me. Do you think that deep down, he wants me to ask him? I mean, maybe he is insecure and thinks I’ll turn him down. Perhaps I should buy an engagement ring for him to give me? Do you think that would prod him along? What is he really trying to say?
A. He is saying that he doesn’t want to marry you.
Get the pattern here? Men are not women. They say what they mean, so don’t look for any hidden messages. There aren’t any.
You’re welcome.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Again, with the questions...
Q: I get overwhelming cravings for junk food. I just can’t help myself! I want cookies and brownies and chips and ice cream… Sometimes, it’s so bad that if there was a crowd of orphans and puppies between me and a piece of cake, I’d mow them all down with a military tank to get to the cake. What can I do? Signed, Edie A. Lott
A: Dang. Remind me not to let my orphans or puppies out of the house when you’re hungry. Well, what do most women’s magazines tell you? They say if you’re craving brownies, cookies or cake, that you really just want something sweet. So, you should nosh* on an apple or other fruit. And if you’re wanting Doritos, you just want something with some crunch. So, chow down on a bag of baby carrots or some celery. Ha ha ha! Are they out of their minds?
My advice? If you’re craving something, go for it. And I mean really go for it. Eat a whole pan of brownies, a whole batch of cookies, the whole cake…you get the idea. Then, once you’ve reached just beyond capacity, there will be a bulimic effect. I’ll just word it that way so the more sensitve among you won’t go “ewwww!” The science of it is that once you have a gastrointestinal backflow of something, you tend not to want it again for a long time. Heck, I avoided Taco Bell for five years because of this.
You asked; there’s my answer. Now, give it a try and see if it doesn’t work for you.
*Skinny magazine writers love the word “nosh”. I think it sounds stupid, so I’m just using it to make fun of them.
Q. Klondike bars are good, but where should I draw the line? I mean, just what SHOULD I do for one? Signed, anonymous
A. Well, I don’t blame you for not wanting to sign your name to that one. Obviously, you’re contemplating doing something questionable…and your mom might be reading this. Anyway, I’m going to be a whistle blower here and let you in on something that Mr. Klondike may not want you to know. All you really have to do for a Klondike bar is put a couple of bucks in your pocket (or heck, not even that—just take your debit card), go to the nearest Klondike bar dealer, pick up a bar, sashay yourself up to the counter and pay for it. It’s that easy.
Okay, now I’ll give you a minute to think back over the embarrassing things you’ve already done but didn’t need to do…
So why wouldn’t they want you to know that? Because Mr. Klondike is a sicko pervert. He likes seeing people do wacky, nutty, often degrading things. Don’t give him the twisted pleasure. He should just be happy with your $1.95 instead, the nasty ol’ turd.
A: Dang. Remind me not to let my orphans or puppies out of the house when you’re hungry. Well, what do most women’s magazines tell you? They say if you’re craving brownies, cookies or cake, that you really just want something sweet. So, you should nosh* on an apple or other fruit. And if you’re wanting Doritos, you just want something with some crunch. So, chow down on a bag of baby carrots or some celery. Ha ha ha! Are they out of their minds?
My advice? If you’re craving something, go for it. And I mean really go for it. Eat a whole pan of brownies, a whole batch of cookies, the whole cake…you get the idea. Then, once you’ve reached just beyond capacity, there will be a bulimic effect. I’ll just word it that way so the more sensitve among you won’t go “ewwww!” The science of it is that once you have a gastrointestinal backflow of something, you tend not to want it again for a long time. Heck, I avoided Taco Bell for five years because of this.
You asked; there’s my answer. Now, give it a try and see if it doesn’t work for you.
*Skinny magazine writers love the word “nosh”. I think it sounds stupid, so I’m just using it to make fun of them.
Q. Klondike bars are good, but where should I draw the line? I mean, just what SHOULD I do for one? Signed, anonymous
A. Well, I don’t blame you for not wanting to sign your name to that one. Obviously, you’re contemplating doing something questionable…and your mom might be reading this. Anyway, I’m going to be a whistle blower here and let you in on something that Mr. Klondike may not want you to know. All you really have to do for a Klondike bar is put a couple of bucks in your pocket (or heck, not even that—just take your debit card), go to the nearest Klondike bar dealer, pick up a bar, sashay yourself up to the counter and pay for it. It’s that easy.
Okay, now I’ll give you a minute to think back over the embarrassing things you’ve already done but didn’t need to do…
So why wouldn’t they want you to know that? Because Mr. Klondike is a sicko pervert. He likes seeing people do wacky, nutty, often degrading things. Don’t give him the twisted pleasure. He should just be happy with your $1.95 instead, the nasty ol’ turd.
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