Sports Depicted Bathing Suit Cover Model Exposed--Literally and Figuratively

Up and coming jock lit magazine, Sports Depicted, will soon be hitting the racks (magazine racks, that is) with their first ever bathing suit issue--because normal women everywhere need something else to make their self esteem plummet to the depths of the deepest places self esteem can plummet to. SD editors have announced that model, S'Kim P. Dresser will be on the cover. Frump Magazine interviewed S'Kim about this self-proclaimed greatest achievement of her life.

"This is the greatest achievement of my life," says the 19 year old, who has so much life experience to pull from that she can make this claim with absolute certainty. "I think this is a big step for women everywhere."

Huh?

"I'm using this as a platform to spread world peace and tell people about global warming. See, I'm standing in a swimming pool because it's hot. Well, it was actually about 40 degrees, but it looks like it was hot there. When the globe gets hot, bad things happen. And that's why we don't have any peace. People are too hot to feel peaceful."

When asked how she feels about the picture SD chose, Kim says she thinks they made a good call. "It really shows off my intelligence. You can just tell I have all kinds of important things going on in my head."

On the cover, the blonde haired, blue eyed S'Kim flashes a freshly veneered smile, her long, gangly arms strategically placed to cover up anything that would make the publishers have to spend extra money on brown paper wrapping. But can we really call this a bathing suit issue, per se? I mean, the top is tied around her head like a headband, and the bottom is floating at the bottom of the pool. But hey, Frump isn't a sport's magazine, so what do we know?

We asked S'Kim what message she thinks the bathing suit issue is sending to normal women who aren't in as good a shape as the models, or who lack the funds to have themselves surgically enhanced.

"I think it sends a good message to women. It says that all women should feel good about their bodies. I mean, any woman--even some of the ones that you see on peopleofwalmart.com--should celebrate their curves and blobs. Everyone is beautiful."

Frump: So you mean Susan Boyle could have just as easily been the cover model?

S'Kim: Mmm-hhmm.

Well, that's probably SD's choice for next year's cover. We thanked S'Kim for her comments and shut off the tape recorder...

...or did we?

Frump: S'Kim, come on...let's have some honest answers here.

S'Kim: What do you mean? I was completely honest.

Frump: Don't lie.

S'Kim: I'm not lying.

Frump: Grrr...

S'Kim: Okay, okay. This is just between us, right?

Frump: Uh, yeah...this is just between you and Frump*

S'Kim: Okay, really, I just like the fact that I'm hot and my boyfriend is so proud of me for being on the cover.

Frump: And what about the message to women out there--that they should be proud of their bodies?

S'Kim: (laughs) Well, that's a load of BS. I mean, I would not want to be as fat as Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce. I'd have to pray that I'd come down with anorexia or bularmia.

Frump: You mean bulimia?

S'Kim: I've never been there. Is that in Europe?

Frump: *headdesk*

S'Kim: Anyway, at least I give their boyfriends and husbands something good to look at, instead of their fat old girlfriends and wives. That's my humanitarian work, right there.

Well, there you have it. Of course, if any men happen to read this, they really won't care. But at least we girls know that someday, people like S'Kim will get a wrinkle or two and put on some weight. And they'll be devastated. Meanwhile, the frumpier among us are already accustomed to not looking like models, so an extra wrinkle or two won't bring our little worlds crashing down around us. There's something to be said for that.

*By "between you and Frump" we mean "the readers of Frump Magazine."