It's getting to be that time of year again: the time when you wrack your brain trying to come up with gift ideas for people you may not even really like that much. Or you’re shopping for someone you don’t pay much attention to during the year, but you’re obligated to give them a gift so they won’t write you out of the will or something. Or maybe you’re nuts about everyone on your gift list, but unless they're under the age of twelve, you have no idea what to get them. You get the gist of what I'm saying here. It's especially hard to shop for adults because most of them, if they really want or need something, can just buy it for themselves. I mean, why not just exchange $20 bills with each other and call it even? Because it's Christmas, that's why. The season of giving. Oh yeah, and that Jesus fella. We have to at least mention Him, right? He has something or other to do with Christmas.
So anyway, to get to the point of this: I am going to offer some gift advice that you may find useful for your holiday shopping. Or, you may not. We'll see. Let's get started, shall we?
1. Sham Wow: Anyone who owns a TV has seen that lizardy looking dude talking about the Sham Wow. He tells us we'll be wowed by it; and he admonishes us to beware of Sham Wow imitators. Indeed. Then, he soaks up a spill the size of the Exxon Valdez oil slick, and wrings it out into a shot glass. Fortunately, for those who just can't wait for the Sham Wow amazingness to arrive via snail mail, they can now be found in select stores (meaning most any store that sells stuff). Personally, I'm less than wowed. I tried one a while back and it was just a small piece of feltlike cloth that seemed like it really didn't WANT to soak up anything. It just sort of lazily moved the liquid around on the counter. I guess you could use it to corral a spill into a bowl, so it’s useful for something. I wouldn't really say I recommend the Sham Wow. But if you just can't resist the Sham Wow guy and you want to make sure his kids can afford to go to college, then maybe you should buy some.
2. scented candles: I love scented candles. So if you were to buy me one, I'd appreciate it. Well, if it's a good quality one--not one from the dollar store. I mean a Yankee Candle or something like that. But if the person you're shopping for doesn't like scented candles and you give them one, you're telling them one of two things: 1. My neighbor's kid was selling scented candles as a fundraiser for school and he guilted me into buying 10 of them, and I had to take out a second mortgage on my house to afford them. Here, take one off my hands. OR 2. Last time I was at your house, I noticed a pungent aroma akin to mothballs and Vienna sausages. Light this to cover it up.
3. gift cards/gift certificates: This is the ultimate cop-out gift. I've resorted to them, myself, I must admit. It is kind of nice to get one because it forces you to spend “money” somewhere you may not spend it otherwise. But then, you probably end up actually spending real money because the gift card doesn't cover the total cost of what you want. If you're thinking of buying a gift card for someone, and you don't want to come off looking cheap, you have to spring for the big dollar value. Less than $20 and you look like a cheapskate. And if you've got five people to buy for, you're laying down $100, minimum. Who has that kind of cash? You'd do better to buy them something you can afford--like the new issue of TV Guide or a 12 pack of toilet paper.
4. neti-pot: This has nothing to do with the Sasquatch of the North Pole (it's neti pot, not Yeti pot), though he may use one. I'm sure he gets a lot of nasal buildup, what with being in that cold climate and all. And to state the obvious, it has nothing to do with “weed” either--because if it did, you wouldn't be able to buy one at Walgreens. If someone on your shopping list has a problem with nasal crud (whether they know it, or you've just noticed it peeking out at you), this would be a thoughtful gift. “Why not just give them a box of Kleenex?” you ask? Because the neti pot goes where no tissue can--unless you roll the tissue up really small and can manage to snake it through your sinuses. If you can, then you've got a great party gag on your hands. I've never used a neti pot, myself. But hey, to each his own. Here's a video demonstration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IdrivgH1rM&feature=fvw From this video, we learn that neti potting apparently won't harm your nose ring. Plus, it works best if you make weird faces while using it.
5. A star: I'm talking about one of those things up in the sky, not Elizabeth Taylor or Cary Grant. Yeah, you can “buy” someone a star. As if. According to one website I found, if you fork out a mere $54, you'll get a full color parchment certificate that tells you not only the name of the star, but its coordinates, as well…you know, in case you ever want to stop by and visit it when you're in the neighborhood. And if you're seriously gullible AND rich, you can pay $489 for a certificate that is “heirloom framed.” Whatever that means. Then, you can send your star letters and care packages, maybe buy a goat for its village or some school supplies. Personally, I think you'd just be throwing your money away. And if you want to do that, then throw some my way and I'll point out a star to you that you can tell your mom you bought for her. Whoever came up with this idea is a genius. I'm going to come up with a scheme in which you can buy a molecule of air for someone and name it.
Well, there you have it--my two cents worth (which won't buy much-heck, it won't buy anything). If you're shopping for a gift for me, skip the star and just give me $54. I probably won't use a neti pot either (except perhaps to make tea in). I'll take gift cards and candles. But if you give me Sham Wows, I'll probably just regift them to the next friend I have who is getting married or having a baby.
Happy shopping.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
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